Why All-Nighters Are a Bad Idea

So, you’ve got a test tomorrow and you haven’t studied one lick. While you’re not the first student to pull an all-nighter in hopes that you’ll improve your grade, we hope you’re one of the last. All-nighters are veritable death traps of mental acuity, and might be deadly in other ways, as well. Read on to find out why all-nighters are a bad, bad idea.

  1. Because it means you’re a slacker:

    If you’re pulling an all-nighter, you’re a slacker. Maybe not tonight, but you slacked somewhere to get to this point. Either that or you’re overbooked. Though four times as productive, overbooked people stress themselves out. They kind of look like walking Cathy comics. Every bit as annoying as a slacker.

  2. Because you might as well go out drinking:

    And who’s to say that you won’t? When you’re operating on an empty tank, your mind functions at the same efficiency level as if you’ve knocked back a few. While you may cram all night for that test, you’ll be loopy as hell if you actually stay awake all those hours. If you’re going to be mentally hosed the next day, might as well go out with a bang.

  3. Because you’ll get fatter. And dumber:

    It’s true. Those who routinely pull all-nighters run the risk of exhaustion-related weight gain (or poor dietary choices — hey, we’ve all had Ramen for dinner, Taco Bell for fourthmeal, and Pop Tarts at 3 a.m.). Additionally, brain chemistry changes over time, and pulling all-nighters consistently can lead to brain damage. Brain damage, people. You’re already dumb enough. Get some sleep.

  4. Because you’ll get addicted … to drugs:

    Caffeine, nicotine, amphetamines, bath salts. It’s a slippery slope, people. It starts with two pots of coffee, and pretty soon you’re mainlining Red Bull and many other stimulants (with varying degrees of pride).

  5. Because they’re nearly impossible:

    If you’re not on drugs (see above), staying up all night is extremely difficult. If you simply have to pull an all-nighter, consider working in some disco naps. If you don’t, you’ll be cranky at best. At worst, you could derail your upcoming test and get addicted to bath salts. Just saying. It could happen.

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